What Should I Say at a Funeral? DON’T SAY THIS!


Your feet are splashing through shallow
puddles as you approach the outside of the church. It’s a Dreary day.
It’s thundering. It’s raining. The funeral starts in 15 minutes. Your buddy’s dad passed away unexpectedly. Your plan is to walk in,
get familiar with the area, find somebody that you know, get
a little bit of comfort built, and then find your buddy and
say something. But as you
open the door to walk in, you find him standing right
there by himself. He’s a mess. He’s looking like a wreck.
What do you say to him? What’s the proper thing to say?
What would you say in this video? I’m going to go through a few things.
You should never say that most people do. Say I’m a teach you one thing at the end. That’s the perfect thing
to say at any time, whether you’re at a funeral where
there’s something bad happen to someone, whether they’re sick themselves
or that they’re sick and dying. Any hard situation like this, I’m gonna teach you one thing that you
can say that always comes across well. So what not to say. Don’t try too hard to
get flowery. Most people. There’s a lot of silence when the other
person isn’t talking very much so they want to fill that silence by giving
some big sermon on the Mount, some big long talk about ho they lived
a great life. They’re in a better place. That’s what they’d want.
Here’s the problem with that. Intuitively it feels like that. What’s
what the want to hear, you know, positives, all, they lived a good life so they can
kind of hang their hat on that. It doesn’t work. You don’t know where this person is at
in the grieving process and if they’re not to a place that they’ve
digested it yet, all those things, not only are they not helpful, but they’re hurtful and the other
person doesn’t want to hear it. When you try to talk too much, you
come across like a know it all. Even though that’s not, I
know that’s not your intent. That’s not anyone’s intent. Who does that? This is a very important issue to discuss
because what is intuitive to us is actually not working. What do people really want and need
in a time of loss or sadness support. Remember that all you
want to offer support, not some brilliant advice, not some long winded thorough line. All you want to show is support. We
have a tendency, especially as men, to want to help and solve.
No. Think of it this way. They lived a good life and you
know, they did all these experience. I wish I would be happy if
I live that kind of life, that that’s not what’s helpful. So
all you want to do is show support. So how can you do that? This is what you can do in any time
that you’re talking to someone who’s distressed, down in the dumps or lost
somebody, just go up to him, say, man, I’m so sorry and
say it in a genuine way. Nothing else. Let them talk. They’re going to fill you in at
where they’re at in the process. Then you’re going to be able
to decide what to say next. So if you go up to him and say, man,
I’m so sorry for your loss. Quiet. Be quiet. Let them say something.
If all they say is, Oh, thanks man. Thank you man. I appreciate that. Like,
yep, we’re definitely here for you. Let us know if you need
anything. That’s it. Don’t be tempted to go into some long
thing about some other synopsis that you’ve got in your don’t do it. Now.
What if they say something else? If he’s saying, I’m really
sorry for your loss, I’m really sorry you’re going through
this, and what if they say, yep, you know, the way we’re looking at it is
we’re looking at this as a positive. They lived a really great life. You know, if I die at the end of my life
like that, it’s gonna be great. Well then you see where
they’re at in the process. You can jump on that frame and
jump on that thread. You know, I was actually thinking about
it the same way. I was like, I remember when when they went out,
when your pops went out the so-and-sos, I was like, man, I hope I have experienced
like that by the time that I’m, I’m towards the end of it. You can ride that but enables you to
better facilitate your supportive comments and remember that every step, all
you’re trying to do is support. So once you have a little more clarity
and information on where they’re at in the process, you can show more
tailored support by comedy. But when you go in there, don’t assume that they’re at the place
where they’re looking at it positively. You’ve got man, what a life they live. Maybe they can barely even get out of
bed at the time and they’re 90 they don’t even want to think about that. Right.
Then you saying that is more hurtful. So by starting off with
the generic genuine, I’m sorry cause most people are going
to come up and they’re gonna Fain some. I’m so sorry for your loss. And
I just saw her the other day. Be present with them. See that almost puts up a bit of a shield
where you’re not allowing to get in a strange, that sounds into the grief. You’re not meeting them in the reality
of their grief and you just go up and start talking. If flipped this
word shield, Oh, I’m really sorry. Just thinking about on the other
day like this and this and this, you’re going versus just being with them. I’m so sorry for your
loss and just stand there. And by accepting that silence and
allowing that solid silence to be there, you’re acknowledging this can be
awkward. This is a tough time. There’s a terrible time. There’s nothing you could do to remove
the fact that that’s a terrible time, but you’re being a strong, competent
leader by being able to be in that space. You don’t have to put up a bunch of
words, all words. It’s going to be okay. It’s gonna be, it’s just, I’m here with
you. I’m supporting you. I’m sorry. What can we do for you? Let us know anything and then let them
talk and they’re going to be able to give you a coloring book showing you where
to color. That’s kind of a strange, strange association, but
I’m going to go with it. They’re going to basically tell you
where to lead that conversation based on where they are at in
their specific process. Now if you want to see a crazy
handshake battle between, I don’t think there’s any really good
videos that naturally lead themselves from this one. So I’m not going to
promote any videos on this, but I’d be interested in your thoughts. Do you have any experiences of things
that you said when you were trying to console a friend or something like
that that went either very well or very poorly? Let me know in the comments
below and I’ll talk to you soon.

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